It's time to don the exclusively-designed evening gown and put my best foot forward upon the red carpet once again. For tonight, I collect, not one BUT TWO awards. Yes, two fellow bloggers have seen fit to bestow upon me a MeMe award for my services to blogland. I could be modest and shy and mutter a quick thank you only to shuffle back to my seat and hope no one notices me.... But nah, not very Nicole Kidman is it?
Instead, I rise elegantly from my red velvet chair, the folds and golds of my dress flowing around me. I pause dramatically before turning to glance briefly at my audience, then turn to glide towards the stage. George Clooney and Hugh Jackman stand resplendent in dinner suits, each gripping an award in a hand suddenly seized by nerves. They have waited a long time to meet me, and now have to face this moment with an audience of thousands.
My poise puts them at their ease and pass them each a secret smirk.
Facing my audience, I begin my acceptance speech as every mouth in the auditorium hangs open in awe.
"It's customary in these situations to share 7 little-known facts with my audience; but my darlings, seeing as I have won two of these little beauties, let's have 14" I give them my most magnetic smile accompanied by a little wink. (Come on, I'm not Gwyneth!)
1. I am (very distantly) related to Charlie Chaplin.
2. I think I might have an ear infection.
3. I once went to see Howard Keel in concert (and quite enjoyed it - but only quite).
4. I starred live on Radio 1 on the Peter Powell show when I was 15.
5. I once met Peter Powell in a lift and thought he was a builder.
6. I got in a tangle with Michael Portillo in a revolving door.
7. I still haven't got any further with my novel.
Hmm, actually I'm quite enjoying this... Maybe we will go for the full 14.
8. I scratched my car while on holiday demonstrating how not to parallel park.
9. I just ate Ben & Jerry's straight out of the pot.
10. I have a BA in Geography, 3 A levels, 9 O levels, an Advanced Certificate in Marketing and some typing qualifications.
11. I had a joke published in the Daily Telegraph when I was about 9. (I'm still laughing).
12. I have no intention of ever auditioning for The X Factor.
13. But if asked I would leap at the chance to perform on Strictly Come Dancing (aka Dancing with the Stars), although clearly I first need to build a little on my celebrity status...
14. At this (brief) moment in time, my desk is actually tidy!
Weighed down with silverware, I barely have chance to return to my seat before I am called once again to the limelight. However, this time the spotlight shines not on me, but my fellow bloggers. I am delighted to rip open the gold envelope and announce the next 7 winners of this coveted award.
Not wishing to upset anyone I've missed... because I love you all and you're all winners in my eyes [pause while I delicately dab away the emotional outpouring with a silk handkerchief] ... the winners are... in no particular order:
1. Patty at River Bend Ranch whose wonderful Altered Book Project has kept me happily snipping and sticking for weeks.
2. Julie who has lost her luggage poor girl, for being very friendly and helpful and who I can't wait to join on her journaling class.
3. Altered Art & Stuff - so much to look at, so little time.
4. Kelly Rae for being so delightfully inspiring.
5. Smart Cat for starting her blog - a little encouragement to get past Post Number One.
6. Mana Moon Studios for the most beautiful jewellery and asking where she could buy my stuff!
7. Pimp & Paint for pretty things.
You know readers, you really should try this little exercise in briefly banishing modesty. It sure makes you feel positive. Believe.... If you build it....