Tuesday, 3 August 2010

Crazy ramblings of the tortured artist

I feel so tired. I've been wracked with stomach pain for days. At first I thought I'd caught the same bug as my son, but now I'm wondering if perhaps it's stress. I haven't felt relaxed for weeks; there's this constant feeling that I should be doing more, creating more, setting in motion plans for the future. But I can't. I just don't have the energy. Days drift into weeks and I make no progress.

The spring is coiled and tense but going rusty. Wire scrapes against wire and irritates as it tumbles along the treadmill. Why do I find it so difficult to complete simple tasks? Why can't I finish one thing before beginning the next? Am I trying to be too much?

What is it with me? Why this constant desire to push boundaries? I believe this a positive trait and one I wish to keep, but sometimes it's just all too tiring. Since turning 40 I feel like I have to make up for lost time. That I should have been taking this creative path 20 years ago. Is that why I've had that recurring dream that I'm not prepared for my exams; that I've done no work all term and there's work to hand in? Perhaps that makes sense, or is it just an inner desire to keep learning and progressing and maybe finding that mysterious something?

I feel swamped by inspiration. I look at artistic blog after artistic blog, I follow links to further treasures, I take them all in. I want it all. I wish to throw myself into my art, try everything, master all. I strive for my own originality. I feel like there's something out there I'm trying to reach - my touchstone, but I'm swamped. The key is there, but it's mixed in with a thousand others. Are creative people ever content? Do we eventually find what we are looking for, or is our soul only alive during the search? Is that what fires us?

Should I stop looking at other people's work and just immerse myself in my own? All I know is that I just can't seem to settle at anything. Something creative is pulling me but I know not what, where or why...

I write this with no intention of posting, but the reason it is here and not in a journal or simple word document is that this is my sanctuary, my place of expression. I often use the medium of blogger to articulate my thoughts and pull them from the depths of my subconscious. It's intriguing what this blog has become for me.

Ah why not, let's edit this a bit and post... Cast those thoughts into the Universe and see what happens. I actually wrote this a couple of days ago now and feel a little better. I've spent hours focused on one aspect of my art tonight and completed two drawings I'm more than happy with. Perhaps I did just need to articulate my confused thoughts!

It's interesting that I felt the need to illustrate this post - with anything of mine... I'm saving the drawings for other posts later in the week so I dived into my photography stash and had a quick play with this pic I took last week - at Legoland of all places. No, it's not made of lego, but it is yet another art project in the making. When I saw them, I knew I just had to try and paint them at some point.


  1. We all go through...there's nothing wrong with you. Be still and have peace...it will be well.

  2. ~lisa...be gentle to yourself...kind to you body...its amazing what stress can do to us and the effects it can have on our bodies...its a bittersweet road...blogging...a way of expressing and showing ourselves to the world yet also finding those who are also exploding with some inspiration...talent or magical gift and then we feel the need to do more...inspired to try...envoke by inner feelings that maybe what once was and wants to be again...i don't know if it is your 40 adn trying to make up for lost time or if you are purely driven by passion that is in you...i feel the thrill is in searching...i can not be content with one thing because i enjoy doing so much and trying and learning new things...whatever path you may need or will follow...do it with ease! rest that tummy so you can be all of you for your son and boyfriend...be well...lots of l♥ve and light to you and brightest blessings~

    ps...sorry if that was all a mumble jumble of words that made no sense ; )

  3. I could have written this myself...thanks for sharing

  4. i feel the exact same way... thank you for sharing it with us...

  5. What is it with that dream???? I have had the dream that I missed a class in high school..forgot to go to it all year and then worried about graduating. Then there is the dream of being at my locker, in Jr. High School, and not being able to get to my class on time. I have no explanation for it. I know several people who keep having the same dream. Could it be that we were extremely responsible people who had the "time" issue driven into our very core..to the point that we obsessed about it for decades? I know I am never late for anything, ever. I am always early or on time..Maybe it was responsibility that was imposed on us early in life? I have no real answer but the dream continues.

    My days disappear..they dissolve. I never have the time for art that I want. Others call out and need help. I go to them and sneak my art in every second I can.

    I appreciate your very honest post. As some of the other readers have said. We all can relate.

  6. Lisa - SLOW DOWN, it is all right. So many of us know how you feel. We are our own worse enemies and put pressures on ourselves that don't exist. You sound as if you have found your own answer. Just be happy doing one thing for a while, or nothing... remember you can do what your heart tells you, you just have to stop thinking and listen to it. You cannot make a mistake - everything you create is a step in the right direction,and as far as your art is concerned it is fine to do nothing for a while. Take care of your tum, I am sure that as you unwind it will get better too.

  7. hey my fren :) we all get this from time to time ... we think we're superwomen :) sometimes we are, but sometimes we're not. just go with the flow and when your mind's had enough, it'll reboot and restart your life as you want it. looking thru other people's work is good ... i do that when i can't get my butt up to create too. i search for books and tuts too... at least i'm gathering knowledge during downtime right?

    just rest for a couple days more and you'll be good to go again :)

  8. Hi,
    I agree with everyone. We put to much pressure on ourselves. Good things come in time...There's no rush.

    Take the time to slow down...your health is more important than anything. You need to be healthy to take care of your wonderful family.

    I am glad you shared this with us...you know sometimes its comforting to know we all experience this feeling at some point or another...

    Take of your self and I will be thinking of you!
    rest...relax and recharge.

  9. HUgs! You are a sparkling spirit.. who shines uniquely in all that you do..appreciate and celebrate the artist in you..and honor your journey wherever it falls right now! new energy is on the horizon and sometimes we feel that inner current..it is teaching us to shift into new pieces of the self...gifts are always waiting on the other side..enjoy the new journey ahead...and if you need to rest and cocoon for now..honor that too! Wishing you blessings and magic always!

  10. Oh, how I can relate. Currently, I am feeling overwhelmed in so many ways, and feeling like I'm pushing myself to rush through the process of growth beyond measure at the speed of light. Then I remind myself that I am to enjoy the journey, AHH. Content...for a minute, anyway, lol! Happy to hear you are feeling a bit better, and hope it continues for you, Lisa. Sometimes it's so difficult to be gentle to ourselves, isn't it?

  11. hello wright stuff read my giveaway results you have won!!!!!!!x

  12. Lisa, I really coul dhave written these exact words this morning. As I read them, I was kind of nodding and sighing and feeling like they were my own. When I got to the end, I realized that if you can be expressing exactly how I feel, well, at least I am not alone in all this chaos and "torture" ! That's one good thing ! The other is really stepping back and looking at what I have accomplished, celebrating that instead of only focusing on what is "lacking". And heck, a celebration can only be good for a tortured soul, don't you think ?
    We are enough just as we are today.
    Hugs and thanks to you for being so real !

  13. I too could have written this - I just turned 41 and am in the same spot, wishing I had started this artistic path sooner, and over inspired by all the wonderful art out there. Thanks for sharing and glad to hear you are feeling better and getting your wonderful art out there.


  14. Oh! You are right....this does resonate with me so very much. What IS it with turning 40?? I was 40 in April, and I feel like I am constantly chasing something and I can't quite reach it. I feel inspired, and then I don't. I let days and days go by without doing any glasswork or making anything, and the time just passes.

    I am trying to just rest in the knowledge that it's okay to not be constantly making, constantly doing everything all the time, but it's so hard.

    This post definitely resonates.

  15. I think all artists can seriously relate to what you've said in this post. We are all inspired by others and artistic ourselves. It seems that everywhere we look there is another fantastic idea and I ask "Why didn't I think of that?". I have been making art for my entire life and still at age 38 feel like I don't have one thing that I'm known for. It wasn't until I started to keep an art journal that I have come to peace with it. In my journals I can try new things everyday and it doesn't matter if they look like two different people did it. I feel like some people can stick with one thing and are content with it and then some people have the desire to constantly be bettering themselves and evolving as artists. '
    Take your time and enjoy each day. When something sparks that you want to create go for it. I have to say that since I started this blog I am finding less hours in the day to create because I want so much to see what all my friends have been up to. I think it's good to take a step back and feed your artistic soul with information and visual eye candy because you never know what kind of inspiration it will spark. Hang in there!

    One other think, thank you for telling me how to embed a video link, for some reason the darn thing still won't let me do it. I will keep trying because there must be something I'm doing wrong.

    I hope you are having a relaxing afternoon!!!!

  16. I can certainly identify with the "something is pulling me" "the what, where and why" You are not alone in this. Keep creating. I have been keeping a book of things I find that inspire me and I find that over time there are definate ideas that I want to explore that reoccur in my book. I continually go back. So no, don't stop looking at other artists work! Why do you think I'm here at your blog? By the way- at 4o I felt this immediate need to do something- anything right then and that feeling hasn't gone away!

  17. You know, I'm already 10 years behind YOU!!! So what!! I agree with a lot of what you wrote but I also like looking at other people's blogs and art - I find it inspiring!
    Th stomach pains, down to stress? Quite probably... have you asked your GP about it? You could have Crohn's disease, or maybe just IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). My DH has had it for a number of years and it's brought on by stress. I have contracted during this summer of working split shifts, many hours and literally finishing a day job, to go work evenings too. Self-inflicted for me, I'm afraid. Not to worry - hang in there kiddo... just make the art that feels good to you at the time - I do!! *winks*


Thank you for your comments - I always love to hear what you think :)

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