Crazy ramblings of the tortured artist

I feel so tired. I've been wracked with stomach pain for days. At first I thought I'd caught the same bug as my son, but now I'm wondering if perhaps it's stress. I haven't felt relaxed for weeks; there's this constant feeling that I should be doing more, creating more, setting in motion plans for the future. But I can't. I just don't have the energy. Days drift into weeks and I make no progress.

The spring is coiled and tense but going rusty. Wire scrapes against wire and irritates as it tumbles along the treadmill. Why do I find it so difficult to complete simple tasks? Why can't I finish one thing before beginning the next? Am I trying to be too much?

What is it with me? Why this constant desire to push boundaries? I believe this a positive trait and one I wish to keep, but sometimes it's just all too tiring. Since turning 40 I feel like I have to make up for lost time. That I should have been taking this creative path 20 years ago. Is that why I've had that recurring dream that I'm not prepared for my exams; that I've done no work all term and there's work to hand in? Perhaps that makes sense, or is it just an inner desire to keep learning and progressing and maybe finding that mysterious something?

I feel swamped by inspiration. I look at artistic blog after artistic blog, I follow links to further treasures, I take them all in. I want it all. I wish to throw myself into my art, try everything, master all. I strive for my own originality. I feel like there's something out there I'm trying to reach - my touchstone, but I'm swamped. The key is there, but it's mixed in with a thousand others. Are creative people ever content? Do we eventually find what we are looking for, or is our soul only alive during the search? Is that what fires us?

Should I stop looking at other people's work and just immerse myself in my own? All I know is that I just can't seem to settle at anything. Something creative is pulling me but I know not what, where or why...

I write this with no intention of posting, but the reason it is here and not in a journal or simple word document is that this is my sanctuary, my place of expression. I often use the medium of blogger to articulate my thoughts and pull them from the depths of my subconscious. It's intriguing what this blog has become for me.

Ah why not, let's edit this a bit and post... Cast those thoughts into the Universe and see what happens. I actually wrote this a couple of days ago now and feel a little better. I've spent hours focused on one aspect of my art tonight and completed two drawings I'm more than happy with. Perhaps I did just need to articulate my confused thoughts!

It's interesting that I felt the need to illustrate this post - with anything of mine... I'm saving the drawings for other posts later in the week so I dived into my photography stash and had a quick play with this pic I took last week - at Legoland of all places. No, it's not made of lego, but it is yet another art project in the making. When I saw them, I knew I just had to try and paint them at some point.